63% of women feel they’ve worked an entire day before even stepping foot in the office (even if it’s a home office). That’s powerful. The joint study by Meredith/Harris Poll also showed half of women believe work/life balance to be a myth. And the name of this rapidly growing phenomenon: burnout. Add kids into the picture and you have working mom burnout. And it’s a very real problem. But there’s good news: women are beating working mom burnout everyday.
What causes mom burnout?
Proof this thing is real – the World Health Organization classifies burnout as an official medical diagnosis. Common causes of mom burnout include lack of work-life balance, feeling overwhelmed by responsibilities, poor self-care, and lack of control over tasks at work or home. There’s even a phrase “The Second Shift”, which refers to the household and parenting duties at home.
So what are some of the signs of working mom burnout? Well, according to WHO:
- Feelings of energy depletion or exhaustion. You’re constantly busy. You’re always trying to squeeze just one more thing into your day. And now you feel exhausted. This is burnout.
- Increased mental distance, or feelings of negativism or cynicism related to one’s job. If you’re starting to feel apathetic toward your work. Or you bring your frustrations home with you everyday. This is burnout.
- Reduced professional productivity. You may be putting in the minimum effort required. You may be dragging out your tasks. This is burnout.
There are others, too: feeling on edge, anxiety, depression, yelling more than usual. The decision to classify burnout as a medical diagnosis is an important one. Once you understand what you’re working with and the toll it takes on your mental health, you can find ways to beat your working mom burnout.
How to beat working mom burnout
Burnout will sneak up on you—it’s not something that hits you in the face like a broken arm. And realizing you have it is the first step toward recovery. I know this well because it snuck up on me too. You realize your tank is already on empty when you’ve just crawled out of bed. Or you put off doing anything that requires thought because it feels impossible. It’s a feeling of pure exhaustion – mental or physical (or BOTH).
Once you come face to face with the burnout, the closer you are to ending it. Easier said than done—I know. Especially because everyone has a different cocktail of what works. Metaphorically. And it’s not there one day and magically gone the next. But real moms who have been there and found things that work are sharing their best advice. Things that not only fix the problem, but can keep it from coming back.
1. Delete social media from your phone
At least try it for awhile. Delete Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Tik Tok—whatever you tend to scroll the most. If you really want to stay connected, you can use your computer for periodic check-ins. But not having these tied to your phone can give you a little distance. There was one time when someone tried to steal my identity on Facebook and I was locked out for a few days. Not by choice, but it forced me to see what life was like without it. And it was…freeing.
Social media can be toxic and it may not be the direct cause of your burnout, but it also does nothing to help. You’ve probably seen the Instagram vs. reality posts. There’s so much mom shaming out there it’s ridiculous. Moms that only show their kids eating organic foods. Moms with perfectly clean houses. Moms that look put together at all times. I think we can safely say, that’s not reality. But somehow when we scroll past those posts on Insta, we can’t help put wonder if we should be doing more. And that “more” is what causes burnout.
One mom wrote:
Especially on social media, we tend to think that moms need to be on top of everything all of the time. They need to always look presentable, seem peppy, and be well-rested. But honestly, this isn’t the reality (and shouldn’t be expected!). Being a mother is hard work, and you’re allowed to be tired!
We should be normalizing the real side to motherhood. Showing pictures and sharing stories of the sleep deprivation, exhaustion, and kids that never stop talking. But until that day, it may be helpful to delete these apps at least temporarily. Give yourself a break from the unrealistic expectations laid out for you.
Ok social media rant over—moving on.
2. Say no to things
Figuring out how to say no is hard work (especially when you’re also working full time). We naturally want to say yes to everything so we can be the model parent. And we don’t want to let our kids down by bringing the boring treat to the Halloween party. The comparisons we make to other parents lead us to say yes all the time. Even when we don’t want to.
Instead of saying yes to everything, try saying no to the things you really don’t want to do. Like, do you really need a Pinterest worthy charcuterie board for the playdate? The kids just want to play—they don’t care. And before the days of instagramming, kids were happy with a simple ants on a log.
One mom had this to say about saying no:
I’ve been burnt out lately. After googling how to alleviate burnout on Monday night, the one thing that really stuck with me is to take the time that you have off and use it for rest and rejuvenation. I suck at rest. It makes me tired if I sit still for too long. But it made me remember that my absolute favorite part of being a mom is snuggling with my kids. I’ve snuggled a lot the past few nights and that has rested and rejuvenated my soul this week. I can’t pinpoint what exactly I said no to in order to make the time for snuggling, but I think it’s more of me saying no to the go go go in my head that made space for it.
Remember, every time you say yes to something, that’s less time for something else. If you don’t really love it, say no. There’s no shame in that game.
3. Find the simple thing that boosts your mood
Self care is important. It’s something you hear all the time, but what does that actually mean? The idea sounds good in theory. The problem is many things can fall under the umbrella of self care. So how do you know what to try or how to prioritize? The easiest way is to find something simple that gives you a little mood boost. Which will be different for everybody. According to one mom:
I’ve prioritized getting dressed daily and it feels so good. SO good! The simplest of things can lift your mood in an instant . When I feel put together, I feel a bit more calm and together…more organized and ready for the day. This trickles down to my kids as well.
I don’t get people who get dressed up just to work from home. It doesn’t make sense to me. But that’s why self care is so individualized. Some feel fresh and ready for the day by shedding the sweatpants or actually putting on pants. Some want to prioritize 8 hours of sleep every night. Some make the bed every morning. And some like to end their day with a nice bath. If you need some ideas to get you started, here are 134 self care activities to get the creative juices flowing.
The idea is that these things should be easy and something you can do daily (or close to it). I love to read books and write in this blog. It’s time for myself, which is really what self care is all about. Find the little ways you can carve out a few minutes for yourself.
4. It’s cliche, but get outside
I purposely didn’t put this first because you’ve heard it a thousand times. And it probably sounds like the same old repeat advice. But if the pandemic taught us anything, not getting outside is soul crushing, ya’ll. Just like a cloudy day can instantly change your mood, getting outside for some fresh air can instantly improve it.
I was a non believer, too. But after a bout of severe anxiety and forcing myself to take daily walks, I saw the difference it can make firsthand. And it makes sense. The fresh air is great, but it’s also exhausting to stare at all the housework ahead of you. Getting outside changes your surroundings. Just make sure its an activity you do by yourself—even for 15 minutes. One mom gave it a try in her own way:
I’m sorry to everyone waiting on me for things. I have not finished what I wanted to this week. I’m taking my own advice and I’m going to sit outside in this nice weather and drink this wine.
Maybe you take a walk. Maybe you enjoy an occasional glass of wine.
And while we’re on the subject of cliches and drinking wine, drink more water. It’s stale advice, but it works. Especially as a working mom with the added career exhaustion.
5. Plan a date night
As a working parent, the 9-5 can deplete you. Friday rolls around and date night is the last thing you want to think about. Also, if you’re anything like us, you may not have had a date night in weeks, months, possibly even years. Fun fact: we didn’t spend one night away from our youngest until he was 2 years old. A worldwide pandemic was partially to blame for that, but nonetheless, date night was never something I prioritized.
It takes serious effort to plan and engage in date night. But it’s also really healthy. And I very quickly learned that after my own mom burnout. For us, we always used the inability to find a sitter as an excuse. But really, there’s always someone willing to help out. A neighbor, a friend, the high school student down the street. Try it out—start slow if you need. Go out for appetizers or a trip to the local coffee shop. Having some uninterrupted adult conversation allows for a much needed reset. And it’s healthy for the kids to have a little independence from you too. Just getting away can be working mom burnout’s worst enemy!
One mom recently made time for date night
Sometimes we get caught up with being adults and get stuck in a constant routine. Then, every once in awhile, we get to go out and remember what it’s like to let go a little bit. (Even if we still get home by 10:30)
When it comes to being stuck in a routine, truer words were never spoken. Get up, get the kids ready, work, dinner, bath, bed. Minus some variation, this is the typical routine. Date night can at least help you break out of that a teeny bit. Oh, and date night can mean many things. A date with your spouse, your friends, your mom. As long as the kids aren’t there, you’ve done your job.
6. Find an exercise routine that motivates you
Exercise sounds like a terrible idea when you’re already completely drained. I’m with you there. Every time I thought about going for a run outside, it was like I was preparing myself for a trek up Mount Everest. Until I realized I was forcing myself into the wrong exercise routines. I couldn’t get past the activation energy required to visit a gym. And I get bored running outside.
I’d never understood the appeal of Soul Cycle and all the trendy exercise classes. And when Peloton blew up, I shot it down. At first. After looking into it more, it felt like a good fit. Competing against myself to break my own records is what motivates me. And teachers who push me. Plus, I love how little activation energy it requires to hop on the bike when its steps from my home office. So we got one. And while risky making a large purchase never having taken a cycling class, I LOVE it.
That’s not to say you need to go out and buy a Peloton. But to find what works for you and your schedule as a working parent. Exercise is not only healthy, but great for your mental state as well. This may be one of the few opportunities for peace and quiet. And when you figure out which exercise routine motivates you, it will oddly make you feel more awake.
If the idea of going to a gym doesn’t appeal to you, pop on some YouTube yoga videos. Download the Peloton app for classes that don’t require the bike. Go for a run outside. Invest in a set of dumbbells or resistance bands. Or try everything until you find something that doesn’t feel like a major chore.
I also love this mom’s take on her lunch break:
One key for my mental health — do something non work related at lunch (watch a TV show, do some exercise, call your mom). Every once in a while it’s ok to eat at your desk and work through lunch, but if I do it all the time it leads to burn out.
Your lunch break is a great way to split up the day and find some time to squeeze in a little exercise. Even 15-30 minutes can do the trick!
7. Give yourself permission to let go
This isn’t like one day you have it together and the next you walk around like you just don’t give a damn. This is saying yes to Mcdonald’s because you’re too tired to cook tonight. And giving them have an extra hour of screen time so you can squeeze in a power nap. Or shit—let your kid wear their superhero cape paired with a rainbow tutu and winter boots to avoid a tantrum.
You didn’t survive a pandemic to compete with other parents on whose kid is signed up for more activities. It’s freeing to let go of the pressure and expectations. And probably the single biggest way to kiss working mom burnout goodbye.
I told my son he can’t have chocolate for breakfast. After 5 minutes of crying and screaming, we compromised and both had chocolate for breakfast.
Would I feed my kids chocolate every morning for breakfast? Of course not. But some days it’s easier for your mental state to give in rather than endure 30 minutes of tantrum and negotiation. I’m not sorry.
Invest in yourself
Mom burnout is sneaky. It’s tiring. And its relentless unless you take steps to fight back. It’s not easy to put yourself first. As a mom (or any parent for that matter) you just feel like you need to be “on” at all times. Just this morning my daughter asked me to get her playdoh out. Then asked for a glass of milk at the same time. And then complained because I wasn’t getting the milk fast enough. Oh, and then she followed it up with a 5 minute lecture on Starburst. So I turned the TV on and said “mommy needs to take a shower”. And I was unapologetic about it.
It’s not always as easy as jumping in the shower for a 10 minute reset. But find the little or big ways to invest in yourself. And be ok not being productive for awhile. It’s oddly freeing.
You may also like:
How to Crush Working From Home With a Toddler or a Baby
Working Parents: 5 Ideas to Maximize Time with Kids
How to Hit the Reset Button When Your Child Talks Nonstop
How to Organize a Playroom as a Non-Organized Person
The Clever Way to Limit Toddler Screen Time (And Help Them Sleep)
